Monthly Archives: September 2011
I wrote this blog a few weeks back and decided not to post it. The reason for that was because I was hating every moment and every thing in my life and just didn’t want anyone to know how bad it was. I decided today, I should post it. Probably because I am feeling positive again; but mostly because I think mothers everywhere can relate. So here it is:
My blog has been so quiet lately and no matter what I say to motivate myself to get moving, nothing I write seems to feel natural, so I save draft after draft one paragraph in and never finish it. Today, I finally figured out why. Off course, I had to get a panic attack first, nothing as simple as a normal epiphany for me, no sir!
So you’re thinking, panic attack? Yeah well, it happens to the best of us… and to me too apparently. So this is how it happened: I’m a working mom.
Yes, that’s it. I’m afraid there is nothing else to it. I dashed all your hopes of it not happening to you, didn’t I? Yeah well, toughen up… or at least buy some wine.
I’m in that rough place where I know who I am and what I want, but I have no idea how to make it happen. I also have no idea how to reconcile my wife-side and my mom-side with the newly discovered me. It’s still me, but I’m growing, and getting to know myself better, so how do my old identity, which is still me, fit in with my new identity that is also still me? Deep breath… only my breath, only my breath, only my… Right, I’m back, and focusing.
Obsessing about it is also not helping. Yeah, self-help-gurus, I know you advise against obsessing, but suck it. I don’t know how to stop. The best we can sometimes hope for is the ability to get through the day.
I did a piece on 10 things I should remember, and I am sticking with my own advice, sometimes all we have is our faith, and that’s okay too. Never mind the fact that I’ve imagined myself with fingers around my hubby’s throat like five times today and fidgeted with the masking tape, thinking how wonderful it would be if I wouldn’t feel guilty for taping my incessantly talking 9 year-old daughter’s mouth closed. Yes, I need to forget that I entertained such horrific notions, or that I deliberately locked myself in the ladies room for 20 minutes today because I simply couldn’t face anything or anyone while I was motivating myself not to cry.
Faith, the one thing I say to myself every day, Keep the faith. Tomorrow… Tomorrow everything will get better. Just one more day, you can do this. Sometimes though, sometimes I just can’t, and I need to lock myself in a bathroom to regain my composure. Mothers are so hard on themselves. Half the things that I imagine doing will never be realized either because I am too ashamed to even admit it to myself (Thank God), or I’m too busy to strive for it (Damn).
Friends, this is what I am talking about. Trying to follow your dreams when you have other responsibilities is hard, even for the best of us, and apparently, for me too.
Coming to terms with my goals and my reality is a journey that is going to take the rest of my life, and I think I’m okay with it. Screw that, I’m getting some wine! I’m so very much not okay with it.
This is my favourite one off my blog challenge list. The options on this are only as limited as your imagination. The title for the next challenge is simply named:
Well, what are you waiting for?
Hell it seems is definitely a place on earth. After all, do you have another explanation for in-laws? I have to be clear on this. I used to never be able to relate to people who have problems with their in-laws. Don’t get me wrong, we didn’t always see eye to eye, but real problems? Not really, no.
So when we have the opportunity to go on holiday to the Kruger National Park with the in-laws it really didn’t seem like a challenge. Two weeks with the in-laws? No problem. I expected it to bring the family closer together. That feeling did not last. A two day road trip where every stop was controlled by my father in law, where sleepover spots were picked by my father in law and departure times were… you guessed it… controlled by my father in law.
So off course you are expected to:
Give up the front passenger seat
Be available during the entire holiday in the Kruger Park as chauffer service
Be the villain if you want one day to yourself
Do the dishes if you want a moment of peace
Be considered insane if you want to read a chapter of your book before bedtime (what, you don’t take a book on holiday?)
Bite your tongue no matter what negative comments are floating around about you
Not say anything if you shower in cold water (in winter)
Smile all the time. Never ever stop smiling (my cheeks still hurt months later trying to keep that smile in place)
Never, ever get annoyed with your other half, no matter what he does or say.
After the holiday, when you are on your two day road trip back home, you will be expected to:
(on the sleepover night)
Be extremely quiet
Not play with your child outside
Be impressed by your father in law’s impressive holiday planning
Hear how much nonsense comes out of your mouth
Not use the laptop
Go to bed at 19h30
On the last day of the trip (on your birthday)
Be expected to know directions to a place you’ve been to once (from a road you’ve never been on)
Be considered crazy when you say it’s the wrong road
Get yelled at when the road (that you’ve been insisting is the wrong road for 30 minutes) has you ending up 100 Km from where you should be.
As a footnote, you should also know you will be expected to hear the implication that you were unpleasant during the holiday (no matter how polite, nice or helpful you were)
So yes, the path to hell really is paved with good intentions.
The Here I Rayne Blog Challenge # 2
The path to hell is paved with good intentions:
This challenge comes much later than I had expected, but this challenge is something that I’ve wanted to play with for a while.
So what do you need to do? Well, honestly, it’s entirely up to you, take the title, think about it, and run with it. Choose a book as inspiration; make yourself the victim or villain and live the metaphor.
Now go and pave that path!