How to Survive the Coming Apocalypse

According to some psychics, the world is coming to an end soon. With the abundance of natural disasters we are experiencing all over the earth, people are becoming more convinced by the day. So I decided we should all be prepared. After all, what’s the harm in being prepared for the worst? Here is an easy step by step guide on how to prepare for the end of the world and how to stay alive after it strikes:

1. Start a vegetable garden. Plant veggies that need little sun or maintenance (when the death cloud appears, we’ll have no sun) Potatoes in a tyre is a good option. Be sure to tell no one what you are doing or why. After all, you can’t feed everyone or you won’t survive for long.

 2. Start stocking up on bottled water. Buy the largest canisters possible and sneak them into your house after dark. Be sure to take note of when the neighbour’s lights go off. You want to be able to take the occasional bath, not keep the entire population from dehydration.

3. Stock up on a great selection of guns and ammo. If you can’t get a gun licence, don’t fret, there are lots of illegal guns to choose from. (You’ll need this to defend your garden and water supply)

 4. If you don’t already know how to shoot, go for lessons. If you have to quit your job and go for security training to become an armed response officer, so be it. You won’t be that for long, and if you are on duty when it happens, you have a free extra bullet proof vest and gun. Can’t hurt, right?

5. Get a variety of camo’s. You can get this from any decent camping store. Make sure you have different sets for different scenarios. Snow camo’s, forest camo’s, desert camo’s and night camo’s. After all, the world is going to change and we simply don’t know what to expect. We need to be prepared to defend our stash against any eventuality. Don’t forget the bullet proof vest.

6. Get night vision goggles, binoculars and some decent knives. Think Bowie knife, swiss army etc. You never know what you will have space for on your person or what you will need. Killing a looter with a swiss army knife is definitely possible. All you need to do is be determined to defend what is yours. Just don’t forget the other guy is starving, he’s ready to do anything to steal your food.

7. Get a back up location. Your house will not hold up against starving looters. Think of higher ground (tsunamis you know). This will give you a great view of people approaching you. It’s all about location. Location, location, location. Never forget it.

8. Have a large van always at the ready. You will need several canisters of petrol stashed in the back. Those ones with its own tap are great because you don’t have to move it around. That can only slow you down.

9. Stock your van with essentials. Canned food items that will hold for several years. Hide this under seats. Keep a tent (you never know if you might need this later) and sleeping bag. Have an extra set of clothes for every possible weather condition in the van. Hide the van under sheeting until d-day and take it for a drive once a week after dark – this will ensure the battery does not run down. You need a reliable vehicle for the apocalypse. Make sure the tank remains full. (fill it up whenever you have to)

10. Stock up on medication for every eventuality. Fake a terrible cold if you have to and get some antibiotics. Don’t drink it, just stock up. Visit 5 different doctors at a time for prescription medication. A few things that are essential:

a. Pain medication (as strong as you can get hold of)

b. Antibiotics

c. Bandages

d. Antibacterial salves

e. Topical anesthetics

f. Plasters

g. Antihistamines

h. Waterless hand cleaner

i. Whatever else you can get your hands on, because you never know when you need to crush some sleeping tablets into a cup of coffee to take a prisoner.

11. Things are going to get lonely and quiet on that mountain. Get some batteries, cd players and compilation cd’s. Get earphones so as not to draw unwanted attention and be sure to keep the music really soft, with an earphone in one ear only. It simply won’t do if you can’t hear an enemy approach.

12. Don’t get sucked in by charm or good looks. It’s every man/woman for him/herself now.

13. If you do happen to have people with you (your children, spouse or parents – neighbours should have been shot on sight, so no tag alongs) be sure to have a professional relationship. It’s the end of the world, you do not have time for mushy feelings. That will get you killed. Your eight year old is big enough to learn how to defend your reserves. Make sure every person in your party has a gun and know how to use it. This is your army now. If there is someone who can’t… well, you don’t need anyone dragging the party down. You’re only as strong as your weakest link.

Now that you know this, you should be better prepared for any eventuality. Remember, no more Mr. Nice Guy. It’s kill or be killed now. By the way, I do NOT have a veggie garden, I do NOT have a water stash and I certainly have no weapons or medication. I live in the North Pole with Santa.