First of all… Are you sure? I mean, you may never speak to me again after this… Oh right, that’s probably why you are doing it…
Before you get started for the day; here are a few last minute things that you will need to know in order to be convincing.
- When opening the post box, dustbin, cupboard, or anything else for that matter; you do so tentatively, with two fingers, or one if at all possible. You carefully peer inside without completely opening and once you have visual confirmation that it’s safe, you open it entirely. If there are visible spiders/webs, you drop whatever you are holding (including that crystal glass you got for your birthday) and back away swiftly; yelling like a ten year old. This rule applies to anything that can be opened – unless you can see it’s entirely safe; like glassware.
- You do not kill spiders unless they are poisonous and you are at least two meters away with a full bottle of Doom and if no one else is there to do it for you. The non lethal ones are allowed to be evicted by your husband (as long as they are never seen again) Afterwards you are required to shudder uncontrollably and mumble things like “Blech”, “Ugh” and “Eek” Insert shudders between every word.
- You drop the keys or padlock every day; not because you’re clumsy (let’s face it, you’re an accident waiting to happen, but that’s not why) but you’re usually so busy checking it for spiders that you can’t keep a grip on the things in you hand.
- You are clumsy. You walk into walls, desks, office dividers and the fridge. Every day. Even though you know it’s there, you can’t help it. You just do this. You’re mostly okay with it, but occasionally you swear.
- You don’t swear, and when you do, you’re more surprised than the people around you.
- When you do swear, you use the Battlestar Galactica word: “Frak” Because it doesn’t count.
- You really don’t need another pair of shoes. Let it go. NO! Put that extra pair of heels down; you’ll probably never wear them. I know they’ll look fabulous with that dress you have, but just let it go. I know you can.
- When you succeed beyond all odds; you are required to exclaim your success in Klingon. The word you’re looking for here is: “Qapla!” You use it instead of the cornier option of “Eureka” You never use the word Eureka. EVER.
- When someone is a complete idiot and you think you may despise their idiocy; you have to mutter under your breath: “P’Taq” To help you decide upon the proper time for use of the word: It means useless piece of garbage.
- When saying goodbye to someone you may never see again (only when you wish them well off course) you whisper out of earshot of everyone: “Live long and prosper”
- You really love Star Trek
- No matter what you hear about it; you know it is the best, and you stand your ground. The fate of the Empire rests with you.
- You love most Sci Fi and Fantasy and there is little you do not know about King Arthur and Merlin; including the fact that Merlin was possibly an arse that betrayed the king. You just don’t believe that Merlin ever would. No matter what Wiki says, Morgana was the most evil bitch in the world. The End.
- You love Vampires, but you’re a purist. VAMPIRES DO NOT SPARKLE.
- You’re terrified of zombies. Something about their witless slow stumble freaks you the hell out. The best part about zombies are when the good guys win, or someone survives against all odds, but when the movie/series is on, you can’t seem to help yourself. You must know. You can’t stop watching and you enjoy it. Weird.
- You’re afraid of Wrong Turn. Those people are just nasty. Saw (all of them) was too gross to finish watching.
- Movies like Omen, The Exorcist and Paranormal Activity wasn’t scary at all. You don’t know why people are afraid of it, but you humour them anyway.
- You always notice when people are going through an issue/problem, and you have to help them. You don’t know why, but you just know you can, so you do.
- When speaking to people you love (this rule applies to all animals) you call them one of the following: Gorgeous (Mostly used with Waldo and the cat) Beautiful (this one is exclusively Casey’s) you are also required to add a “ness” afterward on occasion; just for variety: Awesome “ness”, Gorgeous “ness” and so on.
- You give people close to you/friends/people you admire silly and appropriate nicknames.
- People you like are referred to as “Honey” You don’t know why.
- You have to bath the cat at least once a month, brush him for an hour a week, and cuddle with him at least once a day. You don’t care about the sinus and rash (you’re allergic to the cat)
- When you’re nervous, you babble. Incessantly.
- You believe in ghosts (which you admit), you believe in fairies (which you deny) and you believe in people (sometimes)
- Sometimes you don’t know when to quit. Who’re we kidding? Quit is for other people.
This additional information should be able to make the switch a little more believable, but when in doubt, grin idiotically and mutter in Klingon. No one else understands it, so you can call them whatever you like. Just be careful. There are a lot of closet geeks in the world. If they sign off your salary or are much larger than you, smile and fake it. Or ramble. This usually works to scare even the most tenacious away. Don’t give me feedback and don’t phone for instructions. I don’t care. I’m going to take a nap.